Caution: The Reflection In The Mirror May Make Objects In The Mirror Appear Less Attractive Than They Really Are

       


           I know I have posted before about it but I am going to revisit it. Body Image! ugh. Does it get any better? The "experts" say, to take some time everyday and look at yourself naked in the mirror everyday. Look for all the good things about your body. It will retrain your brain. Perhaps that is why the prescriptions for anti depressants have sky rocketed. If I were to stand in front of the mirror and look at myself, I think I would nit pick even more...no, I KNOW for a fact that I would. So aside from anti depressants, what's a girl to do?



    
          I have heard all of the sayings. Things like, I should appreciate the stretch marks that span my tummy, I earned the stripes. That my friends doesn't make me feel better. I mean it is a great thought but... come on now. Not to mention, my nude body would offer no support to my humongous breasts. No, I am not bragging. I can honestly say that I loathe them. My hubby tells me that women pay money to have them enlarged and that I should be thankful. Thankful? Yes, thankful. Thankful for the permanent divots worn into my shoulders but my bra, which btw offers little support. For my sore back and neck. But, most of all, I suppose I should be thankful that I can tuck them into my waistband... that is the best way to avoid drag marks and chaffing.
    
          In all seriousness, the new Dove commercial really hit home. I am sure you have seen it floating around. Women describe themselves to a sketch artist ad then another woman describes them to the sketch artists and the results are astonishing. You can see it here... http://realbeautysketches.dove.us/  you should take the time to watch it if you haven't.
         I mean, I know I am not living in a bell tower somewhere but my struggle with body image is real. I am not sure really, where it began. I can't pinpoint a certain date. Oh, there are certain life events that I can name. I started to become aware of my breasts and self conscious about them around 5th grade. I was singled out by a few girlfriends that were commenting on my "developing" chest. My chest wasn't HUGE but I was larger than the other girls. The boys didn't seem to mind as much as the girls did. Now, as an adult, every comment or off handed remark makes me even more aware of them. So instead of standing tall, I hunch over and try to minimize them. Which make me look frumpy.
           
            In high school I was a C cup and I thought I was HUGE then. Now, I would kill to go back and have a perky C cup. My aunt was a beautiful woman both inside and out. She had these tiny legs, ate like a bird and had a HUGE chest. I remember thinking "PLEASE don't let me be built like her." Then, guess what? My body changed into her. Just a shorter version. These big bazoombas don't fit my body. I am short and small framed. My tummy looks much bigger than it is because of these things. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for them. They nourished 4 of my babies. I just wish that they were smaller and that the headlights actually pointed somewhere other than my feet.
         
         But enough about my chest...
     
        If they were the only things that bothered me about my body a quick solution would be surgery. I am here to tell you, it wouldn't matter. If I lost those pesky 20 pounds that weigh on my mind... it wouldn't change anything. My self image is much more than a few extra pounds and saggy boobs. For as long as I remember, I have hated myself or something about myself. My eyes droop down and are uneven.. I hate my smile. I have a double chin... my hair is flat.... I could go on but I think we all get the idea here. The point is.... I know I am not homely. I know that people don't run away heaving at the sight of me (at least that I am aware of). I look at myself, like a person would look at themselves in a concave mirror. I see every. single. flaw.

         
             WHY?!? Why must it be this way? Is it the media's fault? Is it societies fault? Is it MY fault?Probably all of the above.. to some degree. Let's get real here. No amount of weight loss, no boob job.. no hair color.. none of that will fix what I see in the mirror. I don't think standing nude in front of the mirror will fix that either. So what will? What will make the difference? What can undo the 25 years of negativity that filled my brain and invaded my soul? I felt the most beautiful.. the most radiant.. when I was pregnant. Now those days are over. So where do  go from here? How can I get back on track with myself?
      
           It has to be more than someone telling me how beautiful I am. For every positive thing said, for ever compliment that my husband tells me... at LEAST 10 negative comments or comebacks begin to swirl in my head. I want to do more than just smile graciously and nod. I want to believe him. I really do. He says that maybe one day I will believe him. I hope that is true. One of my favorite short talks from one of my church leaders Dieter Uchdorf talks about the ugly duckling... normally, I don't post so many links in a post but today, I feel it is necessary. Take the time to watch them.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiiadnMvm20
               I want to see me in the light and beauty that my sweet husband and my children do. Even, more so, I don't want my girls OR my boys for that matter to grow up not feeling good about themselves. I want them to "look into the water" and see their true reflections. To see beyond their minor imperfections and I want them to see and feel like the uniquely beautiful human beings that they are. Maybe one day I will get there too.

A letter to Marisa's birth family.... revisited

          As many of you know, Marisa is adopted. As many of you have probably read.. not all is well between us and her birth family. A big wedge has been in place for many years. Hurt feelings, resentment.. all of those nasty things that fester within us. The situation is rather unfortunate because her birth family... is also..my family. Reunions, get togethers, holidays have been more than awkward for all involved. To the point that, it is just easier to avoid them. Especially, when you feel like you are under a microscope. I admit I am partially to blame and I will be honest, I don't know if it will ever be "normal" between us. I can't be angry anymore. I can't be resentful anymore. I can't feel hurt or misunderstood anymore. It is becoming too much to carry around. Which, is why I have cut all or most ties. So let me throw this out there into the universe.......




Dear family,
         Many years have passed since this adoption has been finalized...9 to be exact. Marisa is 11 years old. It is time for all parties to grow up and move on. Mistakes have been made on all sides. I apologize for any hurt that I may have caused. Don't mistake this letter for a change in the ground rules. We have rules in place for a reason. When the adoption was finalized, we agreed that visitation could happen between mother and grandmother as long as they remained clean and sober. Somewhere along the line, we became the bad guys for not allowing them to come and go as they pleased. We did cut ties with grandma, for the reason of sobriety and lifestyle. When Marisa was three years old, we met with her birth mother and presented her with a handmade gift. All seemed well. I remained in communication on and off with her and even asked her for a birthday card for Marisa. That card came late..very late. I understand that there is an awkwardness there. Still, It was difficult to explain to her why she was receiving a "Happy 5th Birthday" card, when she was turning 8.  I opened the card and read it with Marisa and put it in her picture book.. a book that also has the only three photos that we have of her as a baby. Pictures with her birth mom and birth grandmother. We are very open with her and have been from the beginning. We answer questions that she asks.. honestly but only to a degree that she understands. We have never bad mouthed or spoken in a hurtful or negative way about you to her. BUT, we answer honestly. We feel that when she is old enough, if she is so inclined, she may come find you and ask you the many questions that she may have. All we ask is that you answer them honestly as we have. You owe that to her. Then, he bottom fell out. The delicate relationship that we had.. dissolved. Somehow, we have become the bad guys. Some how (or so it seems) we get blamed for everything that is wrong in her life. When in fact the only thing that we are guilty of is, stepping forward and volunteering to foster her until he birth mom got her back. When that didn't happen we said that we would adopt her. Somehow, birth mom became the hero or the under dog everyone was cheering for and we became the mean adoptive parents. I am not sure how that happened.
          The falling out over he said/she said is ridiculous. If you have a question..ask. I am an open book. I will answer any question to the best of my ability. I am not an expert. I am learning things as I go. When I vent to someone or ask for advice.. there is a reason. I am not going to sugar coat things. I am not going to post how joyous motherhood is, all of the time.. because it's not. There are days that I need a break. There are days that I need patience and understanding. There are days I need a hug and for someone to tell me that I am doing alright. Not just with Marisa.. with all of my kids. Motherhood is hard. Anyone that says otherwise is either lying or not doing their job.
          Marisa's mental health and behavior have been an up and down roller coaster. There are days that are easier than others. She is smart as a whip. Helpful and courteous to others. But, she has Reactive Attachment Disorder. That came from not bonding with anyone. I know that she was taken care of physically. I am thankful for Marisa's aunts that stepped forward and took care of her. The RAD came from being bounced from place to place. With RAD, the child struggles to bond with anyone. Their behavior suffers. He process thinking suffers. Her judgment suffers. Little things set her off. Small decisions become huge to her. She is aggressive. No matter how much we do to reverse what happened... it has left an imprint on her brain that we cannot erase. I am not telling you this to point fingers. I am telling you this so that you might understand. I need to vent sometimes. I need to clear my thoughts. I am not saying she is a bad kid, I am saying that raising her is difficult. Sometimes more difficult than I bargained for. I feel under qualified to have her. On the days that she rages, I fear my little ones safety. They didn't ask for this nor do they understand it. My job in this house is to keep everyone safe.  With hormones coming soon, I am scared of what may happen to her behavior wise.
          Some have asked if I regret adopting Marisa. To that I answer honestly... some days. On the days that she is kicking walls, breaking things, telling everyone how much she hates us..for hours on end. On the days that she has blackened one of my toddlers eyes or split their lip..again. On the days I feel like I am hanging on the end of a rope and I am feeling lonely and misunderstood. But.. those days, at least for now, are far less frequent than before. The good days are more frequent. She is where she belongs. I hope that she sees that as she gets older. I hope that she can see that all of the decisions that were made on her behalf, were to help her.  I do regret the wall that has been put between all of us. Although, I don't foresee that changing, I wanted you to know where I stand. Whether it helps or not.. is totally up to you. I no longer feel the need to justify my actions to anyone. Please refrain from commenting or talking to or about us unless you have some insight or want to actually KNOW how things are for legitimate reasons and not for gossip purposes. I have felt down trodden for far too long. It is time to look forward and move on.

Cutlers Chocolate Sugar Cookies

        Sorry I have been MIA the last few weeks. Between appointments, house remodel and kids. I have had no time to blog. I miss it! Hoping to get back into a groove soon!
        So I stumbled on this recipe. Having a chocoholic in this house, I couldn't pass it up. The recipe only made about 2 dozen. So it is just about right for one chocoholic or a family of moderate sweet eaters. :) I will post the recipe as I found it. I did use dark brown sugar however and in my opinion it could have used about 1/4 cup more flour. The dough was on the stickier side. I put the bowl in the refrigerator for a bit and although the dough had firmed up a bit but it was still a little messy to roll in the sugar. Maybe I didn't let the butter cool long enough?!
        The results.. a puffy, cookie that is a little crispy on the outside and chewy on the inside. Heaven. It is quite rich with chocolate. You could cut down on the cocoa powder if you like but honestly, they were good. Instead of vanilla, if you wanted to get adventurous, you could use a different extract, like orange or raspberry. If you love chocolate.. you gotta try these babies out. I got the recipe from cutlerscookies.blogspot.com

 

 

Cutler's Chocolate Sugar Cookies



1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 1/2 cups plus 2 tablespoons all purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
14 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 3/4 cups packed brown sugar
(the original recipe calls for dark
brown sugar, but  Cutler's likes the flavor of
light brown sugar better)
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 large egg plus 1 large yolk

         Place the granulated sugar in a shallow bowl and set aside. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. I used my silpat.
Mix flour, cocoa, baking soda and baking powder in a bowl. Microwave 10 tablespoons of butter in a measuring cup until melted, this will take about a minute. Stir remaining 4 tablespoons of butter into the melted butter, melting this also. Allow the butter to cool to between 90 and 95 degrees. This took around 10 minutes for my butter. Place the melted butter, brown sugar, vanilla and salt into the bowl of your stand mixer and mix with the paddle attachment until the mixture is smooth. Mix in the egg and egg yolk. Mix the flour mixture until just combined. 
     Using two tablespoons of dough at a time (I use my small ice cream scoop), roll the dough into balls and roll the balls into the reserved granulated sugar. Place on the prepared baking sheets. Using a glass, flatten the cookies until they are about 2 inches in diameter. Sprinkle each sheet of cookies with another 1 1/2 teaspoon of sugar, left over from when you rolled the cookies in it. 
      Bake the cookies 1 sheet at a time, until the cookies are slightly puffy and the edges have begun to set, this will take around 15 minutes. The cookies should look slightly underdone between the cracks. Allow to cool for 5 minutes on the baking sheet, then remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Vegetable Soup with White Beans and Chicken

         I don't know what it is like where you live. My calender says it is Spring outside.. but the weather feels more like winter. Brrr. I am a soup kind of gal anyway. I am starting my new month long menu plan for April. Although, I plan for the month, I only shop for about two weeks at a time. That is unless I can find some screaming deals. I plan for a soup day, every Wednesday. It makes it easier to decide what kind of soup to make and not have as many repeats. I stumbled on this recipe on the Café Zupas website/ blog. It will be fantastic to make on this cold first week of Spring. The great thing about this soup is, it is very versatile. You can add whatever you have on hand. I hope you are having a great start to the week.



Vegetable Soup with White Beans and Chicken

Serves 4-6

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
2 cups diced carrots
2 cups diced celery
1 1/2 cups diced zucchini
1 14 oz can of white cannelli beans, washed and drained
1 14 oz can diced tomatoes, drained
2-3 cups cooked shredded chicken
2 cups fresh spinach, chopped
1 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp freshly ground pepper
1 bay leaf
2 32 oz containers of chicken broth

In a large stock pot heat the olive oil over medium heat.  Add onions, carrots, and celery and sauté until tender, about 5-10 minutes. Add the diced zucchini and sauté a few more minutes.  Add thyme, salt, pepper, bay leaf and stir.  Add broth, and all of the remaining ingredients except for the shredded chicken.  Bring to a boil on high, then reduce heat to medium low and allow it to simmer for about 25-30 minutes until the vegetables are soft.

Serve with sprinkled cheese on top.

Enjoy!

photo and recipe

by Caroline of Armelle Blog

Motherhood... A job for a Superhero

            I am writing today for the first time in awhile. The baby is napping. Peyton is watching his afternoon TV show the other three children are in school or a few more hours. I am not sure where this post will take me. It may babble on. It may serve no other purpose than to clear my head. Bear with me or feel free to skip.
       As life continues to move at lightning speed, all of the children are getting bigger, smarter and more mature. It is all happening while I blink. Marisa will be 11 this year. Grace will be 9. Maddox is turning 6. Peyton will be 4 and Sawyer will be a year old. Before I had children, time passed much slower. Now it seems like time flies. I guess I will go through each of the kids and have my ideas just flow free.

            My little 9 month old, Sawyer, has 6 teeth. He is learning to crawl and stand. He is a little go getter. He is a happy boy who brings me joy every day. He doesn't eat baby food and won't eat a whole lot of anything. He prefers milk. I guess as long as I continue to make it... that is what he will eat. He is my last one so, I am alright with him nursing a little longer. Sawyers red curls are a topic of many onlookers. No matter where we go, someone always comments on his red curls. I hope he loves them as much as I do, when he gets older. He is a sweet little surprise for us. He makes everyday worth living.

           Peyton. This child of mine makes me smile everyday. Whether it is his hugs and kiss or him saying "Mama, I so love you this much." He is a happy little boy. His speech therapy is going well. His communication is really improving which is exciting for us but even more so for him. I am hoping that he will be able to attend preschool in the Fall this year. We have him signed up and he is excited to go. He has such a free spirit. He is adventurous and fearless. I tell everyone that he will be my child that goes off to travel the world and sends me postcards telling me how much fun he is having. I am truly lucky to be his mama.

           Maddox, my little techy. Maddox loves anything electronic. Whether it is my Kindle, the Wii or the radio. He has something going all of the time. He loves to dance and says some pretty funny things to me. Too many to document. Although I will be sad one day when I try to look back and remember. He has so many friends at school (most of them are girls). He is a great student and is very smart. I can't believe that he is going to be 6 in just a few months. Where has the time gone. I want to tell him "My sweet boy slow down. Stay little a little bit longer." He is so full of love and smiles. He makes being a mom very fun as well as very rewarding!

            Grace.. my mini me. She has my attitude, my sense of humor and she looks a lot like me. While trying to take a quick shower the other morning I was observing her with Sawyer. I thought to myself "She is going to be a great mother someday (a long time from now)... a better mother than I will ever be." That's the point isn't it? To raise your children, give them what you didn't have and help them be a better spouse, parent.. person than you were. She is my social butterfly. She loves people and she loves to socialize. She is smart as a whip and is a great student. She has the potential to do great things. I know she will.. no matter what she chooses to do with her life.

            Marisa. She is going to be 11 in a few months. As many of you know we adopted her when she was two. She has overcome many obstacles in her life and has quite a few more to work on. She is smart but lacks motivation in school. When she puts her mind to something she can move mountains. She tries my patience and makes me question my ability as a mother. Perhaps that is why she came into my life. She is entering the tween years and so many things begin to happen in this time. My hopes for her is that she will be able to make good choices and strive to try harder in school. Without an education, you limit yourself on many levels.
           I think the reason I felt I needed to post today is, I have been struggling with being a mom. NOT the actual idea of being a mom but struggling with AM I GOOD ENOUGH to be a mom? Each child is so different. People say you can't have favorites.. I do. I am not ashamed to say that. Each child is my favorite, for different reasons. The reasons I love Sawyer is completely different than the reasons that I love Peyton and so forth. Each child tests me or challenges me in a different way. By the end of the day I am mentally exhausted. I can't imagine not being a mom. I dreamed of this my whole life. They don't tell you how exhausting it is though.
             I am the last one to go to bed and the first to wake up. I help with homework. I teach literacy. I help with speech. I teach colors, numbers and spelling. I teach courtesy, common sense and manners. I prepare meals. I clean house. I attend school functions. I budget our money. I shop for clothing, holidays and such. I dry tears. I console broken hearts. I discipline. I teach consequences and reward good behavior. I try and teach them the benefits of hard work. I rejoice with them and worry about the choices that they are making. I try to help them grow into productive adults that will benefit society. I have a wonderful husband and I can't imagine doing this on my own. He is my rock. I am thankful for him. He is a wonderful provider. But being a dad is different than being a mom. Not easier... just different.
           A few years ago, I was accused of not being a good mom to Marisa by her biological mother. I will be the first to admit that I don't always know if I am making the right decisions not just with Marisa but with all of my kids. They don't come with handbooks. I think what hurt me the most is the people that I hold dear did nothing... said nothing in my defense. It was as if they stood back and agreed with her. Her mother is a relative so it was as if everyone had/has taken sides. It has put a wedge in my family. I don't think that I will ever feel welcome nor will I ever feel as if I am not under a microscope where Marisa is concerned. I am not saying that I am a better mother than her it is not my place to judge but I will say that if Marisa wants to find her when she is older, we do not have a problem with that. I have kept all of the court papers, letters and state documents. Marisa may read over them when she is older and make an informed decision. If she chooses to go find her mother, so be it. But, no one (even family) should stand in judgment of me unless they have walked in my shoes. I do the best I can. Everyday. I don't wake up in the morning thinking "What can I do to screw everything up today." Not many mothers do.
           I have discovered now that I am a mother that even though my mom really struggled at times.. she always did the best that she could. It may have not been enough or have been what I needed at the time but it was all that she had. How could I ask her to give more than what she had? Not many of you know this but I grew up in a one bedroom house. There were 5 of us (4 children and my mother) living in an 800 square foot house (maybe less). I slept in a make shift laundry/mud room. It had cement floors and no insulation in the walls. It was the main entry into the house. The door however, didn't fit and it was quite drafty. But.it was home and it was all I knew. My brothers shared the only bedroom. My mother slept on the couch... for over 20 years. I thought of this the other night while sitting on my couch during a late night feeding. My mother sacrificed.. and it was a sacrifice on her body for over 20 years. She slept on an old dirty couch with a throw blanket to stay warm, so that we could have the only beds. THAT is what a mother would do for her children. A mother sacrifices. Her time. Her body. Her sanity at times. Her alone time. Just so her children can fill their cups with self esteem, self worth and love.
         For the family members that think that they have the right to stand in judgment I say this, "Where were you when the State stepped in? Where were you when I needed a break or a shoulder to lean on? The only reason you talk to me it seems like, is to pump me for info and then gossip about it. I don't need your negativity. I don't need to hear you saying how wonderful her mother is doing at staying clean, turning her life around or getting out of bed taking care of her kids. The fact of the matter is, I don't care. I don't care that she is doing what a normal mother does in a day and that you are patting her on the back for it. I just don't care. I stopped caring years ago when she had the nerve to approach me and tried to make me sound like a horrible person for stepping up to the plate and doing a good deed. I stopped caring the moment that none of you stepped forward and said, 'You know what, Camie is doing the best she can. Camie is a good person. Camie is a good mom. Maybe most of the blame lies with you (birth mom), the choices you made and your drug use.' But, alas, not one person said anything. Which to me is the same as agreeing with it. I find it sad as well as disheartening that those who know me best or at least SHOULD know me best, seem to think that I am some sort of mean spirited monster." I am not that person. I do my best.
         Being a mother is hard. Being a good mother is harder. Being a perfect mother is impossible. I try my best everyday, with every child. That is all I can do. Nothing more. Nothing less. I am tired of feeling guilty and down trodden. Besides, it's not about being the best... it is about being better than you were yesterday. My hope is that my children will grow up and be everything that they have the potential of becoming. That they will know love. That they will feel love. That they will love and BE loved. Then I will have succeeded.

Raspberry Chicken

         This is one of my favorite ways to eat chicken. This is a quick, simple dish that will wow your Valentine. I changed a few things in this recipe. I grilled my chicken and I used  "Simply Fruit" in place of the jam, to cut down the sweetness. You could of course puree some fresh raspberries. When they are in season and more reasonably priced, that would be a great idea. Serve with some brown rice.... yum! Give this one a try. The original recipe and photo are from Taste of Home. Enjoy!


Raspberry Chicken

4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (5 ounces each)

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

1/2 cup seedless raspberry jam

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

1 tablespoon reduced-sodium soy sauce

1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

Directions

• Sprinkle chicken with salt and pepper. In a large nonstick skillet coated with cooking spray, cook chicken over medium heat for 5-7 minutes on each side or until a thermometer reads 170°.
• Meanwhile, in a small saucepan, combine the remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil; cook until liquid is reduced to 1/2 cup. Serve with chicken. Yield: 4 servings.

Slow Cooker Hawaiian Style Ribs

        Another slow cooker recipe. I love my crock pot.. but you know that already. This recipe and photo are from folks at Pork Be Inspired (National Pork Board). Seriously, you toss the stuff in the slow cooker an you come home to an amazing smelling house and dinner is done. What could be better? If you haven't brought out your slow cooker.... bring it out, dust it off and USE it! I promise you that you will love it as much as I do... or your money back. And if you act now, I'll throw in not one but two... OK maybe not. I got a little distracted. It must have been one of the infomercials that my kids watch and memorize by the way. Back to the recipe at hand...
       I love pork chops, and ham... and bacon. But, who doesn't love bacon. I am not bacon crazy, like putting it on donuts and muffins. (truth is, I haven't started that because I may never stop putting bacon on things.). The funny thing is, I don't really prefer meat but I LOVE pork. These are a must try. I prefer the country style ribs because I don't like bone-in style. I know about the flavor difference... just bear with me here. Head over to PorkBeInspired.com for more recipes. Pork lovers UNITE! :) Have a great rest of the week!


Slow Cooker Hawaiian Style Ribs

2 racks pork back ribs, (2 1/2 to 3 pounds each), cut into 3- or 4-rib sections

2 cups hoisin sauce, *

1 cup pineapple juice

3 tablespoons ginger, fresh, grated

3 tablespoons sesame oil, *

3 scallions, green only, thinly sliced (optional)

1 1/2 teaspoons sesame seeds, toasted* (optional)

Cooking Directions

1. In a medium bowl, combine the hoisin sauce, pineapple juice, ginger, and sesame oil. Arrange the ribs in a slow cooker and pour half of the sauce mixture over the ribs. Cover and cook on low for 5 to 6 hours or on high for 3 1/2 to 4 hours, until the ribs are very tender. Set the remaining sauce aside in the refrigerator.
2. About 1/2 hour before the ribs are done, remove the sauce from the refrigerator, to bring it to room temperature.
3. Arrange the ribs on plates or a platter and brush both sides with some of the remaining sauce. Sprinkle with the scallions and sesame seeds, if using. Serve the rest of the remaining sauce at the table.

* You can find hoisin sauce and sesame oil in the ethnic or Asian section of most major supermarkets.